we could be happy~

my heart feels so heavy and hollow, just as hollow as my stomach. I feel like I need to be beautiful to be good enough, and I shouldn’t. I keep saying I won’t someone who likes me for who I am…and there is someone now. well what if he’s not what I want? there’s nothing wrong with him. he will make a girl very happy some day…I’m just not that girl. I wish I was, because he’d be great. but not for me. I’m not naive. I know when someone does not feel things at a level that I do, that I need them to, and I know better than to go for someone I know I’m not right for. its not worth it for me, and for him. but what if I never find anyone? what if I’m just expecting too much. they don’t make boys like what I want anymore. I don’t know, I should stop… its just that I don’t want to be alone.

I know I don’t love you but I don’t know how to put my words into feelings. we’re just totally incompatible and would never be good together. I need a boy who won’t even let little insecurities bother him, so I can be the best I can be too. we need to bring out the good in each other, not make each other feel bad. and that’s why we won’t workout. it’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that I won’t… I’m sorry.

don’t tell me you love me. you don’t know what love is, and neither do I, but please don’t make me look like the bad guys in the end. I’m sorry I don’t feel the same way, I just don’t want to be responsible for anyone getting hurt. so we’re friends. okay?

i think i just need time to be alone. i just need to go back to my books and my nerdy glasses. i need to go back to watching movies alone and sitting by myself in coffee shops. i need to go back to jeans and unflattering t-shirts, back to when i only texted my very best friend. back to when i felt okay with liking someone, not horrible and useless. i think i just need time to be alone.